Pet peeves.

 I remember sometime the week before, the class had a discussion on how to "break up with a friend".  As I was listening to the conversation, I realized that I was going through that problem. I had a friend in my life who I felt didn't need to be there. I felt like I was obligated to be their friend, yet I didn't want it and didn't enjoy it. When you feel pressured to be someone's friend, that isn't friendship. When I voiced my plight on the situation, the questioned was asked "How do you break up with a friend?". It never dawned on me tha there were no examples of 'breaking up' with a friend. Not even in theatre!

Why hasn't anyone written a script that ventures into the life of a individual or more that has a complicated relationship with a friend? Like, they have no other choice, but to break it off and end the friendship. Why hasn't anyone done that? We have countless plays that give us examples of dis functional relationships concerning family, lovers, spouses, colleuges, and if a friendship does end, it ended because of betrayal of love when the friend steals the lover! I haven't heard of it seen an example in theatre, film, or TV that shows the complication of friendship soley based on the dyanamic of the relationship without it being comedic (I Love You Man anyone?).

When I look at my situation, I don't find anything funny about my plight. I wish someone would discuss how complicated a friendship could be when there are hidden agendas involved. Since I'm the one complaining about it, I guess it'll have to be me (laughs to one self). You'd think throughout the history there would be a story, a serious story on a friendship that has ended. We're so obsessed with romantic love, but the love of a friendship can sting just as much. That's a pet peeve I have with theatre.

To explain in a nutshell my other two pet peeves, I'm over plays about dis functional families and over plays that 'try' to explain the African American experience. There are many plays that can reach out to people who have had problems with family members, but why do we have reciprocate the same old story? Wired dialogue, women with hidden sexual agendas, men who have masculine identity issues and etc. Even with the black experience, I wish it would be more diverse or dig deeper into the issues of the black community without being political. Like reveal how deeply religious the black community is and challenge the stagnation of progression due to the strong dogma in the culture. Challenge it without honoring it.  Too many AA plays honor Christianity but never Truly challenge it.

Rejuvenation

Hmm, what do I do when I want to refresh my spirit/ability to choose to be happy. The first activity that comes to mind is my habit of watching YouTube. I either go on there to listen to radio show hosts, commentators, animal recordings, or dance videos. I've noticed patterns that I have that led me to this reason: whenever I'm feeling discouraged, lonely, fustrated, or done with a situation in life, I go and watch positive videos, dance videos or videos that I heard a quote from that sticks out to me concerning what I'm feeling at the moment. I think it has something to do with me being an introverted person or just a habit bottling feelings inside that I don't know what to do with at the time.

It possesses the characteristics of a way to calm down when I think about it; it allows me to get away to myself, breath, think about what's bothering me,  get to a place where I have to make a decision of if I want to face the problem or not,  make that decision and find a video that fits what's going with my me. I feel it helps refresh hope in my ability to handle what's going on in life. When I get discouraged, I tend to slow down progress in my life. I get stagnant and allow opportunities to pass by. I may still be working on my craft, but it all comes out the same. I get encouraged by watching other people or reading up on their experience. Sometimes I get distracted with another interest. I noticed that when I get overworked or burned out with one passion, another part of my interests catches my attention. I'll spend days to months on it. It'll all depend on what I'm going through or what I'm burned out on.

The only other way that I try to refresh without using the Internet, is simply through prayer. When it's too overloading and I am at the point where I feel inside that I need to get away, I know it's time to go into my prayer closet, get quiet, and let it go to God. Especially, when it's too the point where I'm crying because I feel overloaded. Overall, I get still and quiet when everything is loud and all over the place.

Advice

Hello blooming artist! This is coming from an alum of theatre wishing you a fulfilling experience at the Louisiana State University Theare Dept. You're going to find that the atmosphere is, most often, energetic and there' always something going on (if not academically, there's SOMETHING to do). You're going to be surrounded by a lot of people who have a vast understanding of theatre and information surrounding the arts, and I'm not just talking about the professors. I'm writing this to you to let you know that you're going to have a good time and, if not, you're going gain something from this. Following is advice that I wish I would've gotten or would've taken from someone.
 
 When I first came to the university, I didn't know what to expect or what I was doing. I transferred to the department when I changed majors after freshman year. Had I transferred earlier, I would've had much better guidance. As a theatre student, you have your own advisor. She's awesome. Ask as many questions as possible. Nothing's made me feel so confused as when I didn't know what was going on. The more you know and understand, the better your experience. Allie C. is her name and she's amazing. She really down to earth, doesn't make you feel silly, but will be that push and mentor when it's time to be. The more you let her know, ask questions, and listen to her, the better she'll help you.

After you ask those questions and you get all the info you need, be sure to schedule your time well. Know when you need to do what. There's going to come a time in the semester where things are going pile up and it's not going to be just school. You're going to be doing things outside of class. It may be work, a party, family event, concert, fundraiser, etc. Somehow semesters have a formula to them where everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, will all be done in the same week if not day and the day afterwards. It's not wishing you negative energy, it's just apart of  college life. It's good feel like death sometimes, hahaha, but if my forgetful ass can do it, I know you can! Schedule and manage! It'll only help. I had a habit of carrying a planner around, but if you don't find yourself looking at it very often, buy a big one so you have no choice but to look.

Go to forum ( don't swipe and leave too often). If you feel it's getting too pointless or they're constantly taking about things that don't relate to what you're doing, go to forum and stay for at least one. There's information in there somewhere for you. I'm not going to tell you to go all the time and stay, because let's face it, you're going to figure out how leave. Yet, it's important for you to stay involved. Get involved and stay involved. They have said this at orientation and S. T. R. I. P. E. S.
That's how you connect with people and get comfortable. There were times that I felt I had nothing to do and it was because I didn't stay involved. When a group of classmates invite you to go out, go! How will you ever get to know anyone if you don't participate? Of course, if they're doing something you don't agree with, do participate, but ifs like a movie, a kickback, going to see play, or anything relating to comraderie, go and participate. It'll help you make friends and feel like you have more to do than just school. Manage your time, of course.

Last thing. This is hard for me still, but it's worth the practice. Save money. That's it. If you have a friend that's has paw points and are trying to get rid of them, be good to that friend help them ;). Books and supplies will take most of it in the beginning, so do all you can to save money.

I wish a wonderful time! Tiger town is the town to be in. You'll be proud to be one.

Self image

I'm quicker to point out my flaws than I am to congratulate myself on an accomplishment whether minute or great. I like to be truthful with myself, even if it's in the moment or after the fact. I recognize that I feel insecure about myself most of the time. I do my best not to show it to others who I don't know that well, but my friends can tell at times. I allow the stuff that doesn't matter to get to me and I let that thought linger and fester its way into my day. I find myself creating negative energy because I allow my focus to remain on that one flaw or that one problem I have with society. I let it bother me and I walk around thinking something negative is bound to happen. I scew my reality knowing good and well that I can shift the way I percieve it by managing my focus positively. 

The funny thing concerning this subject, is that I was having a conversation with an aquaimtence o mine discussing confidence in self despite how we look or think we look. It's funny that bigger people tend to have more confidence, willingness to be outgoing, and are less likely to apologize for who they are than people who are, by society's hypocritical standards, said to be more asthetically pleasing. Why is that? I still don't know why. I feel that it'll come with looking into my self and saying "Elise, I accept you for who you are. I know there are certain things that I don't like about you, but I accept those, too. You are a good dancer an you have the ability, but don't be afraid to put the work behind to be better and DONT be afraid to be better."

I think a lot of the way I percive myself comes from

the need of how I would like others to see me. There's a timidity that comes from that horrible way of thinking. It's not always that I'm afraid people won't accept me, as crazy as this sounds, I feel I downplay myself because I don't want to offend anyone with my confidence or have them take it the wrong way as if I'm being big headed...... I think too damn much. I have faith I.useld, it's jusy I'm giving too much attention and permission to fear to have its say in my life. I've decicded that I'm going to continue to take it step by step on the journey to self love, because I truly can be my own worst enemy.

De bugging constantly

Born into a middle working class African American family raised with Christian values while being constantly reminded by my mother that "We can only afford so much" does have it's lasting effects on my subconscious. I always knew that I couldn't get all of the things that I wanted, I knew that as a black person I would be viewed a certain way off bat, I knew that as a women I had to sit, eat, and talk a certain way, and I knew that I had carry myself in a respectable manner wherever I go because of those things. Initially, it placed fear in me and always had me thinking that the world is out to get me and that if you didn't follow the teachings of Christ, you were (not only going to the obvious opposite of heaven) immoral, not a good person, confused, and later on evil. Even to this day, I walk on campus fighting fears and feelings of inferiority, when in actuality, to my knowledge I've been treated well and respected more often than not by the people who I felt were against me.

Concerning money, I find that my habits are doing me more harm than good. Because I was raised being told that I never had enough and the most important thing to ever buy is food. Not only do I find myself spending the bulk of my "unused" money on food, but I developed a dependency on it and have been battling weight control for years. I've had to teach myself to put away funds and to only touch them when needed and I still have to convince myself that it's okay to purchase material necessities (new clothes, vitamins, air freshners, etc.) it doesn't have to be off bramd all the time. If name brand works better and I have the spare change to purchase it, get it girl! It's okay to have the best wishing your price range, just like it's okay for me to walk with my head held up high.

I've experienced discrimination before, more so verbally. It didn't happen when I was young, either. I'm talking 19-21. Hearing that slur manifested my feelings of inferiority that I had been carrying. Nevertheless, I realized that just because I was called a derogatory term doesn't mean that that's who I am or how I have to look at myself. I have to remind myself that people are going to judge me no matter where I go and what I do, and it doesn't have to stop at race. Walking on a campus that's predominatly white can be intimidating to start, but I don't have to act intimidated. 
One of the first things you learn as a black child is that the world will most likely see you differently. You're taught about slavery and all the horrible things that happened and (most times you will never here a black person speak of this) that you're hair is nappy, bad and not to stand out in the sun too long because you'll get dark, and you don't want that. This you hear from, not the white man/woman/people whose supposedly your enemy, but from those who look just like you. As I continue my journey into womanhood, I have to debug certain things I've been taught about myself. There was one thing that my mother told me that I continue to live by and has helped me broaden my mind in many situations: don't just think black, think universally.
In my last year of high school, the day before it resumed I made a promise to myself. I told myself that I am going to make a friend who is non-black and get to know them. Not just an associate, but a friend. Not only did I make that friend, but I ended up eating lunch with non-black people everyday that year. I went to parties and even went on a senior trip to Destine, Florida because of my friendship with this person. Stepping outside your comfort level (even if that means certain things you've been taught throughout your life) can introduce you to a plethora of valued experiences.

Yes, customs involving money and race have had its time in the sun in the back of my mind for years, I feel religion has had the most influence on the way I've looked and felt with things.  Since I was little, I was taught that Jesus was the way and anybody outside was automatically a bad person. They may not be Hitler, but they ain't no Mother Mary either. I was taught homosexuality was unnatural an wrong and a bunch of other harsh, judgmental 'morals'. Recently, I m finding that the ones who bark it out the most, tend be the most hypocritical. It's not always as black and white as we'd like them to be. There are plenty of gray areas. When I worked a job and surrounded myself with people who were the opposite of what I was taught to be, they turned out to be the most interesting, nice, and intelligent people I have ever met.

Synchronicity

The overall message I took away from this chapter is to make your own luck. Of course, as artist, we train and practice and (for dancers) keep ourselves in shape unknowingly staying ready for that opportunity to come. I remember a teacher saying "Stay ready. You've only got one shot!". I like to think of every opportunity as one shot so that I push myself that much more. I can recall more than one situation where synchronicity had a huge part to play in my being able to participate in the opportunity. One happened just recently.
My friend Jeremy and I had booked an audition for a movie. Jeremy has a very friendly personality. His social skills surpass mine in almost every way, hahaha, yet he has the ability to make everybody around him feel comfortable and have fun. I'm explaining his characteristics because he ha a huge part to play in this. Jeremy started talking to another dancer from Atlanta that he follows on Instagram, introducing himself and myself. The next week, all dances who were apart of the film met up for a 6 hour rehearsal. Since Jeremy was riding with me, he asked if we could stay longer because a group of dancers from Atlanta had invited us to apart of their video they were making. I said it was cool.
We all went to the hotel they were staying at and learned the choreography. It wasn't until the end that I realized they were going to film this on Burbon Street. That's when I realized that I stepped into an opportunity that I was unaware of. Because of taking a chance and staying longer, I was able to film choreography with professional dancers on Burbon. I made some connections and got my face out there for others to see, all the while having fun.
I can honestly say that if it wasn't for Jeremy's personality, the opportunity may have come later and I would missed out this season.
Another opportunity presented itself when the Super Bowl was held in New Orleans. I was dancing non stop with my team Legacy at the time. By word of mouth, through the Saintsations and Honybees  (now called Pelicans) that Beyonce was looking for local dancers to be apart of her performance.
Legacy had decided that we were going to audition as a group, but no one ever did anything or got
together to try to do anything. I told myself that I refused to let this opportunity pass me by. After reading the guidelines of the auditioning process, I put together a routine, asked a friend to help film me, and sent it in. I was making affirmations everyday afterward, saying "If anybody from Baton Rouge, Louisiana is going to dance in the 2013 Super Bowl, it's going to be me!" I said that everyday. Of course my heart grew faint at times, but I kept speaking my faith even after already activating it by auditioning.
I received an email that I had been chosen only to go for another round of auditions. After making it passed two rounds, the process of preparing for the show began. I got to meet some of my favorite professional dancers, meet Beyonce's choreographer,  and perform in my very first Super Bowl halftime show! Because of preparation and affirmation, I made my own luck a was ready when the opportunity presented itself.

Time Travel

The closest I've ever come a spiritual surrender gas been during times when I had been upset. Not just upset as in mood,but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually at the same time. I was restless and hurting. I didn't want to do anything due to all of my focus going towards getting whatever was on my mind off of my mind. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Any decision I made on my own without letting the situation figure itself out was going to be a bad choice. I was giving into the worrying of what wS going to happen next. I was already in pain from the situation, but I wouldn't let it go. I felt my spirit tugging at me. It was the one giving me the right answer, but I didn't feel like listening because I couldn't physically see the solution to the problem. It didn't take long for me to surrender, though. I was running myself crazy, then all of a sudden, I chose to just let go. Three days later, the problem figured itself out and I was at peace, especially due the reality of surrendering myself to my spirit.

When I imagine myself at 80, I see a quiet woman. Somebody rested, weird, and choosing to be happy. I envision a woman whose been through the hard knocks, but paid attention to the solutions and the positive energies in life. She has a lot to say, but won't say it unless asked or extremely needed. I would picture my older self telling my younger self  "Oh, sweetie, relax! You're going to be ok. Enjoy and love your family and be good to yourself. Don't be afraid of life. It's gonna be on hell of a ride, but you'll have your hands up in the air feeling the wind! Stick to your goals and don't be afraid to work hard. Love yourself the best you can, please! You'll save yourself a lot of trouble. And always smile. Please, don't be afraid to be yourself and don't apologize for it either. I love you." I just picture her being a sweet, crazy, old lady. Yup!

I would tell 8 year old me "Don't worry about other people. There's nothing wrong with you. You are smart, just work hard. You're a pretty girl. Enjoy playing with your toys and stay away from mean kids. You have no reason to please them. Keep drawing. Always. Don't stop drawing! Pay attention in class, and daydream at the end." I had a lot of issues when I was a kid. I went through life not liking myself, and I would just go and tell myself to like myself. I was a weird person and a lot of kids didn't like me for that. If I could tell my young self something, it would be don't try so hard. Enjoy yourself and those kids that are nice to you. It kinda sad when I look back and see that I didn't like myself that much. I'm gonna make up for it, for my younger self and older self.

Shame

  I feel the idea of shame helps influence my behavior and choices that I make in life. I don't know if it keeps me from doing certain things, but I feel that it keeps me from expressing opinions and saying what I want to say in many situations. I always want people to think the best of me, but there is a major fault to that: caring what others think too much in fear of being shamed is crippling... at least that's what I feel. I can relate this to myself, also. I think back to when I was younger and more, honestly, close minded. The less you know about things. The more you are likely to dismiss, shame, and even fear it.
   To be super open, I shamed people who smoked weed. I never thought in a million years that my lips would touch a blunt or a bowl, so of course I was a lot more judgmental of those who participated in the lovely activity of toking. Being raised in a Christian environment, it was automatic to look down on using cannibis: it's illegal, it's classified as a drug, and it alters your mind. I thought that those who did it were foolish and were just trying to be cool. It was set in my mind that those who did it possessed bad judgment and they were soon going to be hooked on other drugs, because weed is a gateway drug, right? As I hung around other people who did it, I noticed that those peon seemed to be the most productive. They weren't sloppy, lazy, a hopeless dreamers. If anything, they were actually making things happen. So of course, my shaming of the activity decreased. I realized that I just wanted to guilt other people for doing something that really didn't concern me. " You're such a bad person for smoking. You're a drug user! Eww!!" What a waste of time to guilt other people for wanting to be themselves and do them.
      I feel shame comes from those who don't know you. Guilt comes from those who are closer to you and want the best, so their strategy is to make you feel bad about it so that you won't do it again (also, to conserve their image because people associate you with them). Because there's that attachment, that type of shame would make more sense; they know your not a bad person, but they don't agree with what you did, so the best way to get you to stop is to use the guilt strategy.If someone doesn't know you, their more likely to associate what you do to who you are. They have no need to guilt you with anything because they don't necessarily care about you. If it's not apart of their lifestyle and they see you do it, it's automatic to shame you and label you a bad human being.
     Most shame seems to be superficial to me. If it doesn't fit society's standards, it's looked down upon and that person is bad. If I know you and you may mess up the way people look at me because I have a certain association with you, I'll guilt you out of doing it so you won't do it anymore. Necessary shame comes from within. If you can't look at yourself without feeling some type if way, that's when it's necessary.

Crazymakers

   Learning about crazy makers is interesting. Although this blog post is beyond late, I'll do it anyway. When I look back on certain situations, I see that I was either hanging around crazy makers who I considered to be acquaintances, or have been confronted by them. Just like most drama that you come across in life, the situations are really unnecessary. They take away peace and it keeps on your guard. Although, it helps me to be able to read others and avoid them, it just sucks the fun out of whatever I'm doing.
    Encountering crazy makers in the dance world isn't hard at all. I'm the type to not be a crazymaker, only if you stay out of my way, meaning, don't bring unnecessary circumstances. The first time I ever really experienced a crazymaker situation was when I participated in my first live stage performance. It was this guy who was about 5'9 and very self-righteous. He was quick to correct me on my technique, yet he himself never got any dancing roles of his own... or at least solo. Most of the time he was in the back. He made it his mission to make others feel like shit, when in fact, he wasn't THAT fantastic.
     Outside of my craft, the drama starts when others want to pull me into a dispute. As much as I don't like to admit this, I feel like my step mother is a crazymaker. When she has a disagreement with my father, she likes to pull me into it, or mention him in a negative way somehow. Once I found myself just walking away from her with no explanation, because I just wasn't here for it. She looks for negativity. As you can imagine, people like her are draining. She ended up following me to my room. She was trying to talk about how she wanted to put the house back on the market because she didn't feel things were gonna work out with my dad. When she asked if I walked away because I didn't feel like talking, of course I lied. I said that I thought she was done. I just wanted her to leave me alone. It made it hard to sympathize with her because she possesses so many annoying personality traits. She's a crazymaker alright.
     Crazy makers suck. They just suck. I'd rather them leave me out of their drama, but they seem to find a way to pull you into their mess. Seeing crazymakers makes me realize how miserable some people are. It makes that mindset seem undesirable and distasteful. I could do without a crazymaker any day.

Censorship

The first time I recall I ever receive censorship was during the time I was on the cheerleading squad. I didn't have a proper clothes on and I had been doing that same habit for sometime. My coach is very upset at me, and yelled in my face and told me that I should do better. She made sure to reiterate that I have no excuses. Although I didn't appreciate the way she delivered the message, she was right. What I had been doing was lazy and I wasn't keeping up to par with my uniform. It hurt my feelings, but it was the message that I needed. I understood that my responsibility of being on the squad was to always make sure that we had the proper uniform always put together and we looked as one. The lessons that I learned in a stay with me today.  When in look back at that time, I felt the message could've been delivered in less harsh way, but the truth was in fact the truth.
The only true solid advice that I could give an underclassman, is to stay involved. I feel that enjoyed all that college had to offer in the later years than I did in the beginning. Being involved aided me in getting better grades because I knew who to to to for help. Not only that, but the process of completing school work was much less hectic. You form friendships and learn a lot from others.   I dilation is good , but not for too long. Anxiety tends to build up, and that can lead to depressed feelings. When I got involved , I found that other people were going through my same  issues. Through that commonality, I  discovered coping methods and habits that kept from getting in those same  mind funks I usually found myself in.

Fear

I use fear to help me get through the performance. No matter what it is I'm doing, even if it's a show, film, rehearsal, or an audition, I'm going to feel some level of nervousness. I don't think it'll completely go away, so I find a way to use it as energy when I perform. In many ways it actually helps! I'm more sharp with my movement, my expressions are exaggerated, and I move swiftly. There are times when it can work in the opposite manner, like for instance, forgetting the choreography. I remember I was attending a dance convention and the choreography was really fast and percise. I was chosen to dance with a group of people and it was out turn to demenstrate the movement. Of course, I felt the nerves, but I kept dancing. At one point I forgot half of an eight count, but I continued moving. Although my nerves got in the way, to which, I forgot the movement, I didn't stop moving. I kept on 'performing'. That's what you do when you forget something. Keep moving as if it's the actual choreography and when you can jump back in, jump.

The only other way I feel fear is actually crippling to me, is when the nerves keep me very uptight and it's noticeable. Then, it's just embarrassing. I recall back when I was asked to be a stand in for one of the actresses. We were the learning the choreography when one of the actors noticed my demeanor and said "Elise, you look so nervous! It's okay." I laughed and giggled with everyone else, but I was kind of embarrassed that she pointed it out in front of everybody. It was then that I FEARED I wasn't being professional and I might have ruined or damaged my reputation in some way. I kept over thinking the situation, and to this day I still wonder if I did sabatoge myself. I hope not.
In more ways than not, fear has helped me, so I can't really say that I don't need it. I just wish I was better at not showing it.

Funny Thing

        The funny part about this post is that I'm learning how to deal with anger now. Lately I've been feeling angry a lot, due to my fear of letting others down. It mostly has to due with chores. I get embarrassed when I have to be reminded to do something that I should already know to do beforehand (still staying with my dad and his girlfriend until I save enough to move out). I get angry out of fear of disappointing my dad and thinking that Ms. Taundra (g-friend) thinks I'm disgusting because I don't clean as often as she does. She's never said it to me, but I can't help but wonder. I'm trying to get better with one chore, then I corrected on another on top of maintaining something else, plus trying to walk on eggshells by not making it seem like I'm "taking an attitude". I'm not comfortable with confrontation at all. I try to be as polite as possible in everything that I do, but sometimes I just want to be mean and not care for anyone or anything, and that's hard for me.
      I can say that they are right concerning my not being consistent enough with things, but I just get angry because I'm trying and I keep getting corrected. Angry from the fear of letting them down for not keeping up. I always want others to think the best of me and that makes me angry, because I want to stop THINKING SO MUCH! The only way I know to vent about it is to write it out, actually. If I don't write it out, negative thoughts build up and I just walk around with a look on my face from being in a bad mood.
     I get my anger issues from both parents: from dad getting mad quick to mom holding it in. I was never really taught how to deal with it. I've had to learn on my own. I hate holding everything inside because it just messes with my piece of mind and literally makes my head hurt. I barely vent to anybody, because people have a tendency to offer an answer before I finish telling them the problem and that pisses me off, too! It makes me think that my thoughts don't matter and aren't important enough to, so I just don't talk. I even feel guilty having these types of emotions sometimes.
     Yes, I even feel guilty for being angry. I hate saying "I feel" so much because I sound weak to myself. I know that you can't acknowledge your emotions all the time, due to the fact that they'll get you in trouble, but I don't know how to deal with it constructively, besides holding it in.  It's starting to become a bit much and is taking up a lot of mental space. Besides holding it in, I'm trying stop caring. I feel it would be best if I just don't worry about certain things. At this point, I think that's all I can do.