Born into a middle working class African American family raised with Christian values while being constantly reminded by my mother that "We can only afford so much" does have it's lasting effects on my subconscious. I always knew that I couldn't get all of the things that I wanted, I knew that as a black person I would be viewed a certain way off bat, I knew that as a women I had to sit, eat, and talk a certain way, and I knew that I had carry myself in a respectable manner wherever I go because of those things. Initially, it placed fear in me and always had me thinking that the world is out to get me and that if you didn't follow the teachings of Christ, you were (not only going to the obvious opposite of heaven) immoral, not a good person, confused, and later on evil. Even to this day, I walk on campus fighting fears and feelings of inferiority, when in actuality, to my knowledge I've been treated well and respected more often than not by the people who I felt were against me.
Concerning money, I find that my habits are doing me more harm than good. Because I was raised being told that I never had enough and the most important thing to ever buy is food. Not only do I find myself spending the bulk of my "unused" money on food, but I developed a dependency on it and have been battling weight control for years. I've had to teach myself to put away funds and to only touch them when needed and I still have to convince myself that it's okay to purchase material necessities (new clothes, vitamins, air freshners, etc.) it doesn't have to be off bramd all the time. If name brand works better and I have the spare change to purchase it, get it girl! It's okay to have the best wishing your price range, just like it's okay for me to walk with my head held up high.
I've experienced discrimination before, more so verbally. It didn't happen when I was young, either. I'm talking 19-21. Hearing that slur manifested my feelings of inferiority that I had been carrying. Nevertheless, I realized that just because I was called a derogatory term doesn't mean that that's who I am or how I have to look at myself. I have to remind myself that people are going to judge me no matter where I go and what I do, and it doesn't have to stop at race. Walking on a campus that's predominatly white can be intimidating to start, but I don't have to act intimidated.
One of the first things you learn as a black child is that the world will most likely see you differently. You're taught about slavery and all the horrible things that happened and (most times you will never here a black person speak of this) that you're hair is nappy, bad and not to stand out in the sun too long because you'll get dark, and you don't want that. This you hear from, not the white man/woman/people whose supposedly your enemy, but from those who look just like you. As I continue my journey into womanhood, I have to debug certain things I've been taught about myself. There was one thing that my mother told me that I continue to live by and has helped me broaden my mind in many situations: don't just think black, think universally.
In my last year of high school, the day before it resumed I made a promise to myself. I told myself that I am going to make a friend who is non-black and get to know them. Not just an associate, but a friend. Not only did I make that friend, but I ended up eating lunch with non-black people everyday that year. I went to parties and even went on a senior trip to Destine, Florida because of my friendship with this person. Stepping outside your comfort level (even if that means certain things you've been taught throughout your life) can introduce you to a plethora of valued experiences.
Yes, customs involving money and race have had its time in the sun in the back of my mind for years, I feel religion has had the most influence on the way I've looked and felt with things. Since I was little, I was taught that Jesus was the way and anybody outside was automatically a bad person. They may not be Hitler, but they ain't no Mother Mary either. I was taught homosexuality was unnatural an wrong and a bunch of other harsh, judgmental 'morals'. Recently, I m finding that the ones who bark it out the most, tend be the most hypocritical. It's not always as black and white as we'd like them to be. There are plenty of gray areas. When I worked a job and surrounded myself with people who were the opposite of what I was taught to be, they turned out to be the most interesting, nice, and intelligent people I have ever met.
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