Time Travel

The closest I've ever come a spiritual surrender gas been during times when I had been upset. Not just upset as in mood,but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually at the same time. I was restless and hurting. I didn't want to do anything due to all of my focus going towards getting whatever was on my mind off of my mind. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Any decision I made on my own without letting the situation figure itself out was going to be a bad choice. I was giving into the worrying of what wS going to happen next. I was already in pain from the situation, but I wouldn't let it go. I felt my spirit tugging at me. It was the one giving me the right answer, but I didn't feel like listening because I couldn't physically see the solution to the problem. It didn't take long for me to surrender, though. I was running myself crazy, then all of a sudden, I chose to just let go. Three days later, the problem figured itself out and I was at peace, especially due the reality of surrendering myself to my spirit.

When I imagine myself at 80, I see a quiet woman. Somebody rested, weird, and choosing to be happy. I envision a woman whose been through the hard knocks, but paid attention to the solutions and the positive energies in life. She has a lot to say, but won't say it unless asked or extremely needed. I would picture my older self telling my younger self  "Oh, sweetie, relax! You're going to be ok. Enjoy and love your family and be good to yourself. Don't be afraid of life. It's gonna be on hell of a ride, but you'll have your hands up in the air feeling the wind! Stick to your goals and don't be afraid to work hard. Love yourself the best you can, please! You'll save yourself a lot of trouble. And always smile. Please, don't be afraid to be yourself and don't apologize for it either. I love you." I just picture her being a sweet, crazy, old lady. Yup!

I would tell 8 year old me "Don't worry about other people. There's nothing wrong with you. You are smart, just work hard. You're a pretty girl. Enjoy playing with your toys and stay away from mean kids. You have no reason to please them. Keep drawing. Always. Don't stop drawing! Pay attention in class, and daydream at the end." I had a lot of issues when I was a kid. I went through life not liking myself, and I would just go and tell myself to like myself. I was a weird person and a lot of kids didn't like me for that. If I could tell my young self something, it would be don't try so hard. Enjoy yourself and those kids that are nice to you. It kinda sad when I look back and see that I didn't like myself that much. I'm gonna make up for it, for my younger self and older self.

Shame

  I feel the idea of shame helps influence my behavior and choices that I make in life. I don't know if it keeps me from doing certain things, but I feel that it keeps me from expressing opinions and saying what I want to say in many situations. I always want people to think the best of me, but there is a major fault to that: caring what others think too much in fear of being shamed is crippling... at least that's what I feel. I can relate this to myself, also. I think back to when I was younger and more, honestly, close minded. The less you know about things. The more you are likely to dismiss, shame, and even fear it.
   To be super open, I shamed people who smoked weed. I never thought in a million years that my lips would touch a blunt or a bowl, so of course I was a lot more judgmental of those who participated in the lovely activity of toking. Being raised in a Christian environment, it was automatic to look down on using cannibis: it's illegal, it's classified as a drug, and it alters your mind. I thought that those who did it were foolish and were just trying to be cool. It was set in my mind that those who did it possessed bad judgment and they were soon going to be hooked on other drugs, because weed is a gateway drug, right? As I hung around other people who did it, I noticed that those peon seemed to be the most productive. They weren't sloppy, lazy, a hopeless dreamers. If anything, they were actually making things happen. So of course, my shaming of the activity decreased. I realized that I just wanted to guilt other people for doing something that really didn't concern me. " You're such a bad person for smoking. You're a drug user! Eww!!" What a waste of time to guilt other people for wanting to be themselves and do them.
      I feel shame comes from those who don't know you. Guilt comes from those who are closer to you and want the best, so their strategy is to make you feel bad about it so that you won't do it again (also, to conserve their image because people associate you with them). Because there's that attachment, that type of shame would make more sense; they know your not a bad person, but they don't agree with what you did, so the best way to get you to stop is to use the guilt strategy.If someone doesn't know you, their more likely to associate what you do to who you are. They have no need to guilt you with anything because they don't necessarily care about you. If it's not apart of their lifestyle and they see you do it, it's automatic to shame you and label you a bad human being.
     Most shame seems to be superficial to me. If it doesn't fit society's standards, it's looked down upon and that person is bad. If I know you and you may mess up the way people look at me because I have a certain association with you, I'll guilt you out of doing it so you won't do it anymore. Necessary shame comes from within. If you can't look at yourself without feeling some type if way, that's when it's necessary.

Crazymakers

   Learning about crazy makers is interesting. Although this blog post is beyond late, I'll do it anyway. When I look back on certain situations, I see that I was either hanging around crazy makers who I considered to be acquaintances, or have been confronted by them. Just like most drama that you come across in life, the situations are really unnecessary. They take away peace and it keeps on your guard. Although, it helps me to be able to read others and avoid them, it just sucks the fun out of whatever I'm doing.
    Encountering crazy makers in the dance world isn't hard at all. I'm the type to not be a crazymaker, only if you stay out of my way, meaning, don't bring unnecessary circumstances. The first time I ever really experienced a crazymaker situation was when I participated in my first live stage performance. It was this guy who was about 5'9 and very self-righteous. He was quick to correct me on my technique, yet he himself never got any dancing roles of his own... or at least solo. Most of the time he was in the back. He made it his mission to make others feel like shit, when in fact, he wasn't THAT fantastic.
     Outside of my craft, the drama starts when others want to pull me into a dispute. As much as I don't like to admit this, I feel like my step mother is a crazymaker. When she has a disagreement with my father, she likes to pull me into it, or mention him in a negative way somehow. Once I found myself just walking away from her with no explanation, because I just wasn't here for it. She looks for negativity. As you can imagine, people like her are draining. She ended up following me to my room. She was trying to talk about how she wanted to put the house back on the market because she didn't feel things were gonna work out with my dad. When she asked if I walked away because I didn't feel like talking, of course I lied. I said that I thought she was done. I just wanted her to leave me alone. It made it hard to sympathize with her because she possesses so many annoying personality traits. She's a crazymaker alright.
     Crazy makers suck. They just suck. I'd rather them leave me out of their drama, but they seem to find a way to pull you into their mess. Seeing crazymakers makes me realize how miserable some people are. It makes that mindset seem undesirable and distasteful. I could do without a crazymaker any day.

Censorship

The first time I recall I ever receive censorship was during the time I was on the cheerleading squad. I didn't have a proper clothes on and I had been doing that same habit for sometime. My coach is very upset at me, and yelled in my face and told me that I should do better. She made sure to reiterate that I have no excuses. Although I didn't appreciate the way she delivered the message, she was right. What I had been doing was lazy and I wasn't keeping up to par with my uniform. It hurt my feelings, but it was the message that I needed. I understood that my responsibility of being on the squad was to always make sure that we had the proper uniform always put together and we looked as one. The lessons that I learned in a stay with me today.  When in look back at that time, I felt the message could've been delivered in less harsh way, but the truth was in fact the truth.
The only true solid advice that I could give an underclassman, is to stay involved. I feel that enjoyed all that college had to offer in the later years than I did in the beginning. Being involved aided me in getting better grades because I knew who to to to for help. Not only that, but the process of completing school work was much less hectic. You form friendships and learn a lot from others.   I dilation is good , but not for too long. Anxiety tends to build up, and that can lead to depressed feelings. When I got involved , I found that other people were going through my same  issues. Through that commonality, I  discovered coping methods and habits that kept from getting in those same  mind funks I usually found myself in.

Fear

I use fear to help me get through the performance. No matter what it is I'm doing, even if it's a show, film, rehearsal, or an audition, I'm going to feel some level of nervousness. I don't think it'll completely go away, so I find a way to use it as energy when I perform. In many ways it actually helps! I'm more sharp with my movement, my expressions are exaggerated, and I move swiftly. There are times when it can work in the opposite manner, like for instance, forgetting the choreography. I remember I was attending a dance convention and the choreography was really fast and percise. I was chosen to dance with a group of people and it was out turn to demenstrate the movement. Of course, I felt the nerves, but I kept dancing. At one point I forgot half of an eight count, but I continued moving. Although my nerves got in the way, to which, I forgot the movement, I didn't stop moving. I kept on 'performing'. That's what you do when you forget something. Keep moving as if it's the actual choreography and when you can jump back in, jump.

The only other way I feel fear is actually crippling to me, is when the nerves keep me very uptight and it's noticeable. Then, it's just embarrassing. I recall back when I was asked to be a stand in for one of the actresses. We were the learning the choreography when one of the actors noticed my demeanor and said "Elise, you look so nervous! It's okay." I laughed and giggled with everyone else, but I was kind of embarrassed that she pointed it out in front of everybody. It was then that I FEARED I wasn't being professional and I might have ruined or damaged my reputation in some way. I kept over thinking the situation, and to this day I still wonder if I did sabatoge myself. I hope not.
In more ways than not, fear has helped me, so I can't really say that I don't need it. I just wish I was better at not showing it.