The funny part about this post is that I'm learning how to deal with anger now. Lately I've been feeling angry a lot, due to my fear of letting others down. It mostly has to due with chores. I get embarrassed when I have to be reminded to do something that I should already know to do beforehand (still staying with my dad and his girlfriend until I save enough to move out). I get angry out of fear of disappointing my dad and thinking that Ms. Taundra (g-friend) thinks I'm disgusting because I don't clean as often as she does. She's never said it to me, but I can't help but wonder. I'm trying to get better with one chore, then I corrected on another on top of maintaining something else, plus trying to walk on eggshells by not making it seem like I'm "taking an attitude". I'm not comfortable with confrontation at all. I try to be as polite as possible in everything that I do, but sometimes I just want to be mean and not care for anyone or anything, and that's hard for me.
I can say that they are right concerning my not being consistent enough with things, but I just get angry because I'm trying and I keep getting corrected. Angry from the fear of letting them down for not keeping up. I always want others to think the best of me and that makes me angry, because I want to stop THINKING SO MUCH! The only way I know to vent about it is to write it out, actually. If I don't write it out, negative thoughts build up and I just walk around with a look on my face from being in a bad mood.
I get my anger issues from both parents: from dad getting mad quick to mom holding it in. I was never really taught how to deal with it. I've had to learn on my own. I hate holding everything inside because it just messes with my piece of mind and literally makes my head hurt. I barely vent to anybody, because people have a tendency to offer an answer before I finish telling them the problem and that pisses me off, too! It makes me think that my thoughts don't matter and aren't important enough to, so I just don't talk. I even feel guilty having these types of emotions sometimes.
Yes, I even feel guilty for being angry. I hate saying "I feel" so much because I sound weak to myself. I know that you can't acknowledge your emotions all the time, due to the fact that they'll get you in trouble, but I don't know how to deal with it constructively, besides holding it in. It's starting to become a bit much and is taking up a lot of mental space. Besides holding it in, I'm trying stop caring. I feel it would be best if I just don't worry about certain things. At this point, I think that's all I can do.
